Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
