He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
