i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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