Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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