i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
