I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just invented taco cereal.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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