she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i dont even know how to be here
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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