I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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