A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
