I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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