You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
