They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
