Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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