I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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