I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
