Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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