i came on her dog
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
