I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
