Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
