I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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