I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
