i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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