how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
