the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
