i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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