My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
