So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
