My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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