I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
