she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
