No awkward lesbian experiences without me
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He passed out mid-signature
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize