I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
