Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
