and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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