I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Randomize
