if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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