At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Still dying that you shit outside
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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