thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
