I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
