I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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