I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
