you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize