i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
