For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
