...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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