Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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