you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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