Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
