i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
