Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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